i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
