Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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