I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
