I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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