we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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