Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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