can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
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My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
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My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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