So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
