Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
