hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
