You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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