Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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