marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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