Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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