Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
