I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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