3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
