the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
