I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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