my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm passing your future prison.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
