you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
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I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
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Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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