Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
