So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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