Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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