Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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