My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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