im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
