Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
