You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
