I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
