i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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