I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My breasts were aching with rage.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
