hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
