This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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