Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
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I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
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My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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