shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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