I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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