Plan B is the new Plan A
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
