I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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