Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
