Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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