Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
