Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
