his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
