You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
