Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
