People in love make me want to vomit
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
