I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
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Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
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I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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