i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
