I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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