Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im six kinds of drunk right now
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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