is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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