I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
