final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
