just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
