I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
