Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
