ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
