if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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